Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
