oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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