When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
