Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
