He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
