May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
