Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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