If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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