chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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