There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
