You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
