Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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