It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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