Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
