There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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