Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize