Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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