So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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