like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
