At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
