Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
