Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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