I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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