I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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