Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
