I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
