I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
