I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
