I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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