i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
