Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
