if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
