I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
