It's Friday. Sex?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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