Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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