There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
