I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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