If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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