I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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