Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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