just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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