The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
