i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
