Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
