I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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