You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
