Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize