remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
