I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Panties = found
Randomize
