All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
