Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
