Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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