So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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