??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
