Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
