whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
