She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
