Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
