You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
