Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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