The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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