ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
