She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
