just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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